Why I Tribe

I am part of the #compelledtribe , a group of bloggers that encourage one another to blog on various topics. 

I'll be honest. I've been failing at my goal to blog. I love writing. I have since I was little. But there is either not enough time, or worse, you find the time and you're stuck with writers block.

Our topic this month was, "Why I Tribe," meaning, why do I do this. 

Reasons why I write for the #compelledtribe consort:

1. I find writing fun and I want to do more, but I need accountability. Getting a monthly email saying, "Hey you, get with the program" helps.

2. I find writing cathartic. Whether or not anyone reads it shouldn't be important, but when they do it makes me feel less alone in this big world.

3. I write to try and find my "tribe," my group of people that "get" me and understand me, and love me anyway (much harder than it sounds).

4. I write to help others. I've experienced bad relationships, court systems, single motherhood, and overwhelming feelings of inadequacy (many times during my job as a teacher). Maybe what I have learned can help others.

Love is Hard

Love is hard.

You start off young and naïve about love. The Fairytale, the True Love, the Happily Ever After are part of our childhood and tell us Love that Never Fails is possible.

But the majority of us waste our time, or on a positive note, get the opportunity to learn what not to do from our first attempts at relationships in high school or college. Like believing when someone says you are the love of their life, and then dumps you for another the next week.

Be that as it may, given the numbers of people on dating websites, the majority of us don't find THE one and we only learn more lessons from our first marriage. It seems the majority of us meet the wrong guy and give him the wrong finger (That pretty much sums up my life). And we end up in the divorce column.

For many reasons this is a good thing: never let someone control you, or physically/mentally abuse you. Love, true love, should never hurt, make you doubt yourself, or make you feel worthless. If you feel this way, it's not love and you should leave. I've been there.

Lying here now, after a Hallmark series marathon, thinking of the comfort love can bring makes me melancholy. Being held at night, having someone hold your hand, smiling when you picture their face. Those are good things that everyone should get to experience, but love is fleeting and few of us get to experience it long term in a healthy relationship. Those that do are truly lucky.

Love is hard. Meeting people is hard. Finding someone that has the same values and core beliefs is hard. Investing in trying is hard. Trying hard and realizing it's not mutual is hard. Falling for someone you can never have is hard. Trying to find love is hard.

PS- if you are posting on any dating websites, please don't take selfies in bed, especially with a SpongeBob pillow. That is all.

Bitterness and Social Media: How to be part of the solution.

I was trolling Instagram when a post caught my eye, "Why are people so bitter? Post 20 photos of a wedding, great. Post your gym selfie, way to go. I'm happy for them. Stop being bitter."

Bitter...

Usually I am all about the love: positive, upbeat, grateful. But I can admit I have been something that looks like bitter lately and I stared at that persons post and wondered why. When I see people's happily smiling faces, why do some make me want to throw up or hope they catch the flu soon?

I honestly think if folks, such as this gal, notice people being bitter, maybe the better resolve would be to try and be a friend, try and shine a ray of light on that bitterness because bitterness is a flashing light saying,

No, things are not okay here.

My bitterness lately stemmed from unfulfilled promises, posers who pretend to be caring when in truth they are the furthest from it, and a break up.

It's natural, when life is crappy, to feel crappy. We can't, every day, decide to make lemonade, because crap is not lemons.



But we will be able to ride the storm and get back to normal much more quickly if we have the help of friends, or caring acquaintances, or even nice strangers to lift our moods through altruism rather than selfies. So go ahead and notice some bitterness happening out there, but instead of complaining about the bitterness, note that its an emotional state with underlying causes and be a friend. Because the world needs more of those.

Musings from the Edge

Some days yes...
And some days no...
Some days FAST, and some days s...l...o...w...
Some days here .............................................and some days there
Some days full of dreams....
Some days I don't care

Mischief, Mayhem can be fun
When done, with love, with someone

Surreal and Sweet I beg for more...
but cannot avoid
                        the
                            closing
                                    door

She don't know she's beautiful...

June 2016

She don't know she's beautiful....She don't know she's beautiful...She don't know she's beautiful though time and time I've told her so...

I was in the dentist office today for a cleaning and this Sammy Kershaw  song came on. I heard it and immediately thought of you.

It's been 6 years today since you went "missing."

You know I always wanted to be a writer...I already have the title of my book:

"The Longest Day of the Year"

I just have to start writing...Will I remember it all? Will I ever forget? How long will I break out into tears when things remind me of memories?

You don't know your daughter, but you'd be so proud. She's full of personality and sass, like you, smarter than me and her mom in many ways. Full of loyalty and a love for horses and riding. She teaches others to ride now...yes, that girl that couldn't let go of the horn and screamed for her mom and grandpa, now is the expert. She is stronger than I ever was at her age, maybe some of it is from the experience... maybe some of it is from being raised by strong women who pick up the pieces and move on as if anyone truly can.

The Self Induced Insomnia

Dec. 7, 2015:

Its 1230 am and I'm sitting on the chaise.

Not really sure what to write...only knowing that my perpetual insomnia is wreaking havoc. While the civilians sleep (imagine heavy snoring) I started another load of laundry, restarted the fire (am I the only one who gets cold around here??) and set up the nightly elf visit.

Truth be told, my 2 hours of sleeplessness could have almost been over if I didn't have to google elf ideas again, as I seem to be the only one here working on the said elf shenanigans. And I have to say the majority of the ideas revolve around the bathroom. Really people? Can you not come up with anything more creative than bowel movements?? If, I said if, I had a semblance of down time I likely could come up with some creative stuff of my own but my mind seems pretty drained this week. Too many late school nights followed by bouts of insomnia and even a couple migraines, which haven't been around for close to 10 years. To top it off I ran out of my go to drink, Pepsi, a couple days ago and have been attempting to use this opportunity as a chance to wean myself off of it. I'm not a coffee drinker, so                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

The Facebook Memories Vortex

I gotta say...I love the FB memories pop ups.

Lately, I haven't been on FB much. So much to do elsewhere...so little time to do it....life rushes past us at breakneck speeds.

And then I had a moment...a moment when the little one fell asleep before I did and I lost myself in the cyber world. I started out purposeful...I think...I mean... probably not.

And then up came my daughter's picture with Santa in 2012...she was 2. 2. Her impish grin and baby face brought a tear to my eye. Where did it go? All that time I thought I had? I tried to enjoy it, make it last, prolong it like all the famous quotes said, and yet I couldn't...it is long gone and the photos are the only way back to a very hard, yet also very happy time. Because she is the single best thing that has ever happened to me...ever...and it's not sappy, attention getting behavior that drives me to say that but the fact that wasting 18 years of my life is only made palatable by her presence.

You see...sometimes the grass is greener, and it isn't as hard to mow, on the other side of the fence. I watered and tended my grass all day and night, and yet only weeds would grow, regardless of the time and energy devoted to it. Of course, there was always the occasional, wonderfully beautiful wildflower, that somehow managed to creep in despite the killer weeds. But as time passed those wildflowers came less and less...strangled by the ground in which they attempted to sprout.  And so I stared at the other side, where life appeared easier, more fun, better, and wished for it.

Yet, I couldn't believe anyone could have a lawn that green, that lush, that picturesque. Must be fake, I'd say. Unable to give up...I stayed. Surely, a little more water, a little more devotion, a little more time spent trying to figure out how to make things better would transform my patch of weeds. But 18 years later I realized I was worth more than the time I put into the land. I was worth more than the tears I shed attempting to make it work out. I was worth walking away.

And now, in my healthy mindset I realize I wasted so much precious time, time I can't get back.

So let me pass on some advice: Life is short, don't waste it. Live by the Golden Rule, but do what makes you happy. Spend time outside. Find joy in the mundane. Search for the silver lining, because it's there. Spend time with those you love. Guard your time as if today is your last day, because some day it will be. And realize without consideration, there is no love...and move on.