Valentine's Day has just come and gone. As I scrolled instagram for anti-love postings I started to think if this year was really different than any other.
While Instagram and Facebook are filled with photos of Vday gifts, surprises, and various ways to show love...my holidays were more like this:
Me: "Tomorrow is X day (really you could fill in the blank for any holiday including Vday)."
He: "Oh yeah."
Me: "Did you go shopping yet?" With the eager kid like expression.
He: "No. I really think its just a ploy to get people to spend money."
Me: "Maybe its more like a day to make sure we show people we care..."
He: nothing
This repeated scenario played out year after year. My favorite holiday, Halloween= zilch. Love on Valentines day? Not unless you call a forced buying of a greeting card at 4 on Valentines Day an expression of love. Christmas shopping? Put off until the day before with no real thought to it.
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't looking for a store bought gift to prove devotion. But taking some time to do something that was special for the person he supposedly loved. All I got was a lecture on why holidays sucked and why he didn't want to participate with family. It was usually prefaced with a good argument so I was sure to be in an unhappy mood. Control...Control...Control. Looking back, someone wasn't living for me, they were living for themselves. A bone was thrown now and then to keep me hoping, but what I had wasn't real love.
I hope that true love exists. I have a few friends who seem to think they have found it. I think its all about luck, and timing. Life is full of opportunities, but if you don't notice because you are too busy working on making your relationship work, the relationship that really has no hope, you miss out on the better opportunities. Take the lead, follow your heart to make yourself a whole person, and then love should come along. I think we focus on being wanted, on not being alone for so long that we forget ourselves and forget about doing things that make us happy. As a favorite movie said, "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons, than with someone for the wrong reasons." If only more people could stand to be alone...
Showing posts with label control. Show all posts
Showing posts with label control. Show all posts
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Changing View
Ever try typing with a cat on your chest? An hour reading my Kindle with the cat lounging near my feet, but bring up the lap top and WHAM! There's the cat.
Reminds me of control. Obviously, the cat is not trying to control me. I probably woke her up during my jaunt to let the dogs out and she thought, "Hey, loving person to go sit with." But nonetheless her act reminded me of someone who would always have something they wanted to do when I was busy. You know the type? On the phone to anyone that's not them, and they are suddenly in desperate need of your time or assistance and will huff, puff, and pout until you are off. And no, I am not referring to children, but a significant other.
Working hard on a paper? Apparently they can't tell as they interrupt you numerous times. In the middle of shopping and tell them you can't talk but they don't care? They just keep on talking. Tell them you prefer X for dinner and they make Y? I wondered how many times I could state that I didnt like butter pre-added to rice during cooking before someone listened.
I think the epiphany was when I realized I would purposefully look for something to do--the dishes, the laundry, whatever, when he would enter the house rather than be on the computer. It didn't matter that I was hardly on there, or whether I was on there 2 minutes before he came in. I would still stop what I was doing to avoid being seen as wasting time, or doing something unimportant, or by God, enjoying myself. There was a clue in itself that I was in a controlling relationship. Control by manipulation and anger. There, I said it. It's not easy to admit, and honestly, hard to figure out when you are in the middle of it. But I have been reading a book that seems like it was written just for me and it tells me I wasn't crazy. I wasn't overreacting. It happens to the best of us, slowly, over time, like a vine that grows so innocently but eventually strangles the plant who gave it it's undivided support....
Reminds me of control. Obviously, the cat is not trying to control me. I probably woke her up during my jaunt to let the dogs out and she thought, "Hey, loving person to go sit with." But nonetheless her act reminded me of someone who would always have something they wanted to do when I was busy. You know the type? On the phone to anyone that's not them, and they are suddenly in desperate need of your time or assistance and will huff, puff, and pout until you are off. And no, I am not referring to children, but a significant other.
Working hard on a paper? Apparently they can't tell as they interrupt you numerous times. In the middle of shopping and tell them you can't talk but they don't care? They just keep on talking. Tell them you prefer X for dinner and they make Y? I wondered how many times I could state that I didnt like butter pre-added to rice during cooking before someone listened.
I think the epiphany was when I realized I would purposefully look for something to do--the dishes, the laundry, whatever, when he would enter the house rather than be on the computer. It didn't matter that I was hardly on there, or whether I was on there 2 minutes before he came in. I would still stop what I was doing to avoid being seen as wasting time, or doing something unimportant, or by God, enjoying myself. There was a clue in itself that I was in a controlling relationship. Control by manipulation and anger. There, I said it. It's not easy to admit, and honestly, hard to figure out when you are in the middle of it. But I have been reading a book that seems like it was written just for me and it tells me I wasn't crazy. I wasn't overreacting. It happens to the best of us, slowly, over time, like a vine that grows so innocently but eventually strangles the plant who gave it it's undivided support....
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