Valentine's Day has just come and gone. As I scrolled instagram for anti-love postings I started to think if this year was really different than any other.
While Instagram and Facebook are filled with photos of Vday gifts, surprises, and various ways to show love...my holidays were more like this:
Me: "Tomorrow is X day (really you could fill in the blank for any holiday including Vday)."
He: "Oh yeah."
Me: "Did you go shopping yet?" With the eager kid like expression.
He: "No. I really think its just a ploy to get people to spend money."
Me: "Maybe its more like a day to make sure we show people we care..."
He: nothing
This repeated scenario played out year after year. My favorite holiday, Halloween= zilch. Love on Valentines day? Not unless you call a forced buying of a greeting card at 4 on Valentines Day an expression of love. Christmas shopping? Put off until the day before with no real thought to it.
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't looking for a store bought gift to prove devotion. But taking some time to do something that was special for the person he supposedly loved. All I got was a lecture on why holidays sucked and why he didn't want to participate with family. It was usually prefaced with a good argument so I was sure to be in an unhappy mood. Control...Control...Control. Looking back, someone wasn't living for me, they were living for themselves. A bone was thrown now and then to keep me hoping, but what I had wasn't real love.
I hope that true love exists. I have a few friends who seem to think they have found it. I think its all about luck, and timing. Life is full of opportunities, but if you don't notice because you are too busy working on making your relationship work, the relationship that really has no hope, you miss out on the better opportunities. Take the lead, follow your heart to make yourself a whole person, and then love should come along. I think we focus on being wanted, on not being alone for so long that we forget ourselves and forget about doing things that make us happy. As a favorite movie said, "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons, than with someone for the wrong reasons." If only more people could stand to be alone...
