Mindfulness: The Art of Letting it Go

Sometimes guilt sneaks in, like an unwanted visitor during your prep time. You wish they would leave you alone to ponder, plan, and execute, yet they stand there wasting your time with something that is of no importance to you whatsoever. You try and cut them short, or change the subject, but there they stand still, unable to read social cues. You finally stand up and create a reason to leave so they will leave. *Most* of the time this works. Some of the time you're perplexed as they still follow you down the hallway.

Mindfulness works in the same way. Thoughts of dreams shattered, hopes lost, or desires unfulfilled creep into your thought process during the day like that unwanted visitor. In the past, I would ruminate on the thoughts for long periods of time, hoping to find solace in the end. But sometimes there is no reason behind it because it has nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with THEM.

With Mindfulness you learn to acknowledge the thoughts are there, that they are powerful, but that you have no reason to waste your time thinking about it and you let it go. Letting it go is hard. It is a skill I have worked on for quite some time. Most of the time, I can direct my self back to things that matter, but occasionally, like yesterday, thoughts come uninvited and attempt to stay longer than wanted.

His choices are exactly that: his choices. I am not to blame for where he is or his choices. He can blame me all he wants for causing these perceived problems for him, but in truth, if he truly cared for his daughter and I, it wouldn't be about HIM, it would be about us. As my grandma would say, "He made his own bed. Now he has to lie in it."

That said, 20 years of conditioning can easily wreak havoc on you. Sub-consciously I am used to acting and doing things in a certain way in order to avoid his anger, his wraith, his retributions. 'Oh, don't do that or he will be unhappy' became my protection. Learning to dance around what makes him unhappy to keep him happy became my numero uno job. It can be a hard habit to break.

A friend said to me yesterday, "When a feeling like this comes up, you need to imagine yourself at the side of a creek. Imagine a leaf is the feeling. Put that leaf in the creek and watch it go away. You can let it go." And I did.

What's In a Name?

Last week someone called me baby...it was endearing, sweet, and much welcomed. Another day when the same person called me by my first name I found myself unhappy. I was perplexed. Why would it bother me that they used my first name? It is my name.

And then it hit me, like someone's overwhelming body odor. I was having a flashback.

My husband always called me baby. It was mostly cute and endearing. Although it typically was followed by a proposition of something wanted. Not just to show kindness or devotion. When he used my first name I knew he was unhappy with me and whatever was to come would not be pleasant. As time passed (we were together nearly 20 years) I began to loathe my name because of the conditioning. Name= unwanted discussion, behavior, fight, etc.

It is amazing what our subconscious understands, associates, and acts upon without much thought. Baby signaled a happy person. My name signaled bad news. I knew it and I was on guard to see what verbiage was used.

Things come back in glimpses now. I appreciate it when they do. It reaffirms the unhealthy nature of the relationship I was in.