When Things Don't Go as Expected, Just Get Rid of Whatever Caused the Problem

So I went home late from work Wednesday night to find this...

 

That morning, the puppy had thrown up on the bed...luckily it was AFTER we had woke up.

 

I put the sheets in the wash thinking nothing of it. And we came home to a chewed up mattress pad and my headphones...

 

When I walked in I was shocked. I told my daughter, "Oh my gosh. The puppy made a mess. You have to come see it."

 

So in came my 4 year old. She surveyed the scene and said, in a quite stern voice, "Mom, let's get rid of that puppy. Let's give it away." Thoughts of her dad, whom she hasn't lived with since 10 months of age, flashed before me.   It's all to easy for people to say, "this isn't working for me so I will get rid of it."

 

Genes are strong. Her dad, when posed with any animal problem, immediately went for the, "you need to get rid of X" card. Oh, and let's not forget he'd be mad, very mad. Kicking, fit throwing, or hitting things were common activities for making him mad. Yet getting mad did nothing to solve the problem, nor did it help it. It made no sense, to me, to waste the energy on something that is out of one's control.

 

I looked at my daughter and said,

"you know, when you were a baby, you did lots of things I didn't like and I didn't get rid of you."

 

She said, "was it an accident?"

 

 "No," I said. "Mostly on purpose, but you were a baby and babies do things."

 

"Did you put me in a time out then?" she questioned.

 

"Not if you didn't know you did something wrong." I replied.

 

 "So," I continued, "putting puppy in time out won't do us any good. He has no recall of what he did at this late time. But I can tell you what he was thinking."

 

"What?" she said.

 

"That we are coming home WAY too late. And we need to come home sooner as he is lonely."

 

 "Oh," she said as I watched her thought process unfold before me.

 

She followed with, "we will come home earlier puppy, I promise."

 

It amazed me how quickly she was to respond negatively when I am not that type of person.

 It made me realize genetics are strong, but hopefully, malleable.

 

"Are you mad?" She pondered.

 

"Nope. What good would that do me? I am sad that he did it, but there is nothing to do but get it cleaned up and move on."

 

Lesson Learned.

The Deed is Done

There are those times in life when we must face the unthinkable. We hesitate, on a precipice, wondering how we can make it over this insurmountable obstacle. And then it's done.

My divorce has been over a year in the making. Not something to be proud of, I thought I was marrying for all the right reasons 19 years ago, I simple had not and it was irrevocable broken.

Sadly, the other half could not see beyond himself to make things easier for me and our daughter. He thought only monetarily, and about inanimate objects, and refused to make anything simple.

And so it was...my precipice came as a two day trial in court over who should get what and why. It didn't matter that he had committed a felony, there is no remorse there. It didn't matter that I was kind enough to save his personal items, belongings he needed to work once he re-enters society. All that mattered was he was not in control and he so desperately wanted to continue his reign.

And in the blink of an eye, 19 years are lost...

Bye Bye, Summer; Hello, New Chapter

I was walking the yard, in my tank top and shorts, relishing all the great things of summer: warm air, the full moon rising, a beautiful breeze, and a juicy, pesticide free apple from the tree. According to the weather app, today is the last great day of weather for us...it's all down hill from here and I stood there, taking it all in--the sounds, the sights, the smells and wishing it would never leave.

And yet I love Fall and all the things about it--pumpkins, leaves falling, sweatshirts, and Friday night football games. And it occurred to me that the seasonal changes are not that different than our own life changes. We love to be in bliss. We love to have happiness envelop us. And yet nothing lasts forever.

My change in life was due to be official this week...much like fall, it is inevitable. It was just put off a week....something akin to an Indian Summer that reminds us of what we are about to lose, that we hold onto a wee bit longer. However, an Indian Summer is something welcomed and this is not.

Lately, I have come to realize a few things. Love effects your head and your heart, and at 19, there is not much difference. We dream of love. We crave it. We long for the tinsel town Hollywood ending and yet, most of us, do very little to make sure it's the kind that will last.

Before everything happened, I loved to watch the series Bones. Science + eye candy = a great show!  In one episode Dr. Brennan spoke to the fact that love doesn't actually exist, it is just a feeling caused by our body in order to propagate the species. You realize it is true; that people do fall in, "love" in order to keep populating the world, and yet some people, a few unique people, seem to find the kind that is lustful and lasts. They made, accidentally or on purpose, the right choice of the right person to share their life with.

I realized these last few weeks of summer that there are people out there in the world with similar interests, similar beliefs, similar loves in life. And if someone took the time to look past just the lust, just your body trying to procreate, and saw that after the lust, there would be a lot left to enjoy with said person, or nothing left to enjoy,  we'd all be a little better off.

So with that in mind. Here are a few things that hindsight has brought me that may save you from time wasted, and love that really never truly existed.

Avid reader, historian, environmentalist + Gun lover, racer, doesn't care if oil is dumped on the ground =  RED flag
People don't have to be identical, but if your partner does not enjoy any of the same things you do life will just be a constant disagreement.

Religious + Anti Religious= RED flag
If you have beliefs, and your partner belittles them, know that your partner will never change.

Family oriented + Family avoider = RED flag
You shouldn't have to force someone to attend family holidays. They should do it because they love you, even if your family is crazy as hell.

Kind beyond reason + Things mysteriously happen, badly, that are never said persons fault = RED flag
It is research proven that the most kind, naïve folks fall for those, for the most part, that take advantage of them. You shouldn't have to wonder if your partner is lying to you, unfaithful, or a down and out crook. Leave when you first wonder.

Person constantly wondering what they can do to make things work + Person who sees nothing wrong= RED flag
Disagreements are common from time to time, but if you are constantly trying to make things work and your partner thinks nothing is wrong, walk away, because they never will.

We all want that feeling of LOVE. To be wanted and want the same person in return is something sweet and wonderful, and nothing short of a miracle. However, always weigh what your head wants, along with your body, when choosing. You'll be much happier.

Mindfulness: The Art of Letting it Go

Sometimes guilt sneaks in, like an unwanted visitor during your prep time. You wish they would leave you alone to ponder, plan, and execute, yet they stand there wasting your time with something that is of no importance to you whatsoever. You try and cut them short, or change the subject, but there they stand still, unable to read social cues. You finally stand up and create a reason to leave so they will leave. *Most* of the time this works. Some of the time you're perplexed as they still follow you down the hallway.

Mindfulness works in the same way. Thoughts of dreams shattered, hopes lost, or desires unfulfilled creep into your thought process during the day like that unwanted visitor. In the past, I would ruminate on the thoughts for long periods of time, hoping to find solace in the end. But sometimes there is no reason behind it because it has nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with THEM.

With Mindfulness you learn to acknowledge the thoughts are there, that they are powerful, but that you have no reason to waste your time thinking about it and you let it go. Letting it go is hard. It is a skill I have worked on for quite some time. Most of the time, I can direct my self back to things that matter, but occasionally, like yesterday, thoughts come uninvited and attempt to stay longer than wanted.

His choices are exactly that: his choices. I am not to blame for where he is or his choices. He can blame me all he wants for causing these perceived problems for him, but in truth, if he truly cared for his daughter and I, it wouldn't be about HIM, it would be about us. As my grandma would say, "He made his own bed. Now he has to lie in it."

That said, 20 years of conditioning can easily wreak havoc on you. Sub-consciously I am used to acting and doing things in a certain way in order to avoid his anger, his wraith, his retributions. 'Oh, don't do that or he will be unhappy' became my protection. Learning to dance around what makes him unhappy to keep him happy became my numero uno job. It can be a hard habit to break.

A friend said to me yesterday, "When a feeling like this comes up, you need to imagine yourself at the side of a creek. Imagine a leaf is the feeling. Put that leaf in the creek and watch it go away. You can let it go." And I did.

What's In a Name?

Last week someone called me baby...it was endearing, sweet, and much welcomed. Another day when the same person called me by my first name I found myself unhappy. I was perplexed. Why would it bother me that they used my first name? It is my name.

And then it hit me, like someone's overwhelming body odor. I was having a flashback.

My husband always called me baby. It was mostly cute and endearing. Although it typically was followed by a proposition of something wanted. Not just to show kindness or devotion. When he used my first name I knew he was unhappy with me and whatever was to come would not be pleasant. As time passed (we were together nearly 20 years) I began to loathe my name because of the conditioning. Name= unwanted discussion, behavior, fight, etc.

It is amazing what our subconscious understands, associates, and acts upon without much thought. Baby signaled a happy person. My name signaled bad news. I knew it and I was on guard to see what verbiage was used.

Things come back in glimpses now. I appreciate it when they do. It reaffirms the unhealthy nature of the relationship I was in.

What to give that teacher that loves your child for 180 days a year

I was in the store with my daughter. I made the mistake of asking her what she wanted to get her teacher for appreciation week. After careful deliberation, she chose an ice cream bowl for her diabetic teacher. In that moment I said to myself, "That is the last thing I would want as a teacher. Since I AM actually a teacher, what would I want?" And then we walked over and bought some lottery scratchers for the teachers who care about my kid as I'd love to be the one that caused them to win a million dollars!

This got me thinking some more. Although not considered PC, I bet parents would appreciate hearing what teachers REALLY want, from a teacher!

 Teachers are teachers because of their kind and caring nature, therefore, when they get a statue of a fairy from the Dollar store they will cherish it as if it is an Oscar from Hollywood. However, given the long hours and low pay (in relation to the number of students and demands of the job--Seriously!) they deserve something more... After all....they are the parent to your child for 180 days a year. They nurse their boo-boos, coach them in social skills, handle complaints, arguments, and whining all while teaching! Put yourself in their shoes...you are probably shuddering at the thought if your child is kindergarten...but do imagine how much they truly care for your cherub and do amazing work on their behalf.

Here are ten GREAT items for the teacher in your kids life:

1-10--Gift cards! Okay, I am joking at it being all ten spots, but seriously, there are a TON of cards out there teachers would love. We do shop for food, contrary to our students beliefs, and we do occasionally hope to go out. A gift card to a grocery store, restaurant, Amazon, ITunes, or movie theater is fantastic!

What? Too expensive you say? Maybe you have money to give more, but any teacher truly appreciates $10.

2. Give them a drink! Figure out their favorite drink and give it to them. A surprise drink brightens anyone's day. Nothing was better than the year a student gave me a 12 pack of Pepsi. I thought I died and went to Heaven!

3. Bling! Is your teacher into jewelry? Costume jewelry wears out over time. Consider a new set of bracelets or new necklace for the teacher that wears them a lot.

4. Scentsy, anyone? If you are like me, and you have a Scentsy, scent bars are ALWAYS appreciated. Smell the room to see the types are liked (i.e. fruity, perfumy, etc.) then order a couple you think she/he will like. If you have the money, and the teacher doesn't have a Scentsy, by all means get them one stat! Nothing helps with stinky classrooms like a Scentsy.

5. Give her a spa day in her shower. Have you heard of Lemon Grass Spa products? I hadn't until a parent gave me a bottle of the body scrub. I thought I had been transported to a magical place!!Seriously, (and I am NOT a salesman for it, but maybe I should be, it would help cut costs!) it is to die for. The scents are amazing, it moisturizers and exfoliates! But at $16 a bottle most teachers cannot buy it frequently.

6. The gift of lunch. Do you notice the teacher occasionally eating school lunch? The food really is starting to get tastier and healthier, no more Pepper Bellies! Add $10 to her account to help make her dollars stretch farther.

7. Don't forget the lottery scratchers! They come in several denominations. Nothing perks someone up like the chance at free money!

8. Class Items! Books for the class would be my #1 suggestion. Books get loved a lot, and fall apart. Getting a copy of a book you/your student really loves is a great end of year gift. Its the gift that will keep on giving! Have you heard of books from Kohl's? They have great choices and characters to match! The cost is only $5, plus, the Kohl's book program serves a double purpose: the money goes to a charity! Win-Win!

9. Are you crafty? Are you following said teacher on Pinterest? Do you notice something she has pinned several times? Maybe you sew, and its chair covers she wants. Offer to make them! Because we teach, time to make things is pretty rare. And when we do have time our skill level can lead to a Pinterest fail!

10. 31 Bags A couple years ago I didn't even know what a 31 Bag was, now I own 3! They are great for teachers and help organize and carry things. However, they do wear out with time. They can get pricey, but there are regular deals/clearance sales that make them affordable. If you plan ahead, this can be an adorable, and helpful, gift.

Bonus #11--Snazzy Supplies! As teachers it is a requirement to get excited when around stationary supplies. Seriously, nothing makes me happier than a purple pen. Most schools provide basics, but not anything snazzy and cute. How about some white board markers that are in bright colors? Great gel pens and bright post its? Scentos markers (all the rage right now) are something the students get to use too! Teachers love school supplies!

I hope your found this list to be helpful. By no means am I saying every teacher wants or needs these items, but for those of you who want to give, and get stuck on what to give, I hope it provides some new ideas.

If you have a teacher that really does NOT want a gift, you might consider donating to charity on their behalf. A great way to Pay it Forward.

Happy Summer!

Single Awareness Day

Valentine's Day has just come and gone. As I scrolled instagram for anti-love postings I started to think if this year was really different than any other.

While Instagram and Facebook are filled with photos of Vday gifts, surprises, and various ways to show love...my holidays were more like this:
Me: "Tomorrow is X day (really you could fill in the blank for any holiday including Vday)."
He: "Oh yeah."
Me: "Did you go shopping yet?" With the eager kid like expression.
He: "No. I really think its just a ploy to get people to spend money."
Me: "Maybe its more like a day to make sure we show people we care..."
He: nothing

This repeated scenario played out year after year. My favorite holiday, Halloween= zilch. Love on Valentines day? Not unless you call a forced buying of a greeting card at 4 on Valentines Day an expression of love. Christmas shopping? Put off until the day before with no real thought to it.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't looking for a store bought gift to prove devotion. But taking some time to do something that was special for the person he supposedly loved. All I got was a lecture on why holidays sucked and why he didn't want to participate with family. It was usually prefaced with a good argument so I was sure to be in an unhappy mood. Control...Control...Control. Looking back, someone wasn't living for me, they were living for themselves. A bone was thrown now and then to keep me hoping, but what I had wasn't real love.

I hope that true love exists. I have a few friends who seem to think they have found it. I think its all about luck, and timing. Life is full of opportunities, but if you don't notice because you are too busy working on making your relationship work, the relationship that really has no hope, you miss out on the better opportunities. Take the lead, follow your heart to make yourself a whole person, and then love should come along. I think we focus on being wanted, on not being alone for so long that we forget ourselves and forget about doing things that make us happy. As a favorite movie said, "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons, than with someone for the wrong reasons." If only more people could stand to be alone...