The Facebook Memories Vortex

I gotta say...I love the FB memories pop ups.

Lately, I haven't been on FB much. So much to do elsewhere...so little time to do it....life rushes past us at breakneck speeds.

And then I had a moment...a moment when the little one fell asleep before I did and I lost myself in the cyber world. I started out purposeful...I think...I mean... probably not.

And then up came my daughter's picture with Santa in 2012...she was 2. 2. Her impish grin and baby face brought a tear to my eye. Where did it go? All that time I thought I had? I tried to enjoy it, make it last, prolong it like all the famous quotes said, and yet I couldn't...it is long gone and the photos are the only way back to a very hard, yet also very happy time. Because she is the single best thing that has ever happened to me...ever...and it's not sappy, attention getting behavior that drives me to say that but the fact that wasting 18 years of my life is only made palatable by her presence.

You see...sometimes the grass is greener, and it isn't as hard to mow, on the other side of the fence. I watered and tended my grass all day and night, and yet only weeds would grow, regardless of the time and energy devoted to it. Of course, there was always the occasional, wonderfully beautiful wildflower, that somehow managed to creep in despite the killer weeds. But as time passed those wildflowers came less and less...strangled by the ground in which they attempted to sprout.  And so I stared at the other side, where life appeared easier, more fun, better, and wished for it.

Yet, I couldn't believe anyone could have a lawn that green, that lush, that picturesque. Must be fake, I'd say. Unable to give up...I stayed. Surely, a little more water, a little more devotion, a little more time spent trying to figure out how to make things better would transform my patch of weeds. But 18 years later I realized I was worth more than the time I put into the land. I was worth more than the tears I shed attempting to make it work out. I was worth walking away.

And now, in my healthy mindset I realize I wasted so much precious time, time I can't get back.

So let me pass on some advice: Life is short, don't waste it. Live by the Golden Rule, but do what makes you happy. Spend time outside. Find joy in the mundane. Search for the silver lining, because it's there. Spend time with those you love. Guard your time as if today is your last day, because some day it will be. And realize without consideration, there is no love...and move on.

Letters

I walked across the leaf strewn road and opened the mailbox.

She got another letter today.

I felt the wave of emotions come over me: What does it say this time? How much will it be not for her, but for me? Will it make her sad again?

I know that divorces are hard on kids. However, divorces with said father incarcerated in a distant prison is worse, much worse.

She gets confused by this person, who was incarcerated when she was 11 months old, constantly stating he misses her and wishes to see her. Of course kids want to make their parents happy, so in this case, said conversation ends up with an impromptu, "why can't we go see dad?" question.

The trip is 6 hours of travel time...

She didn't chose to commit a crime. You did. Therefore it's not her fault you miss her. It's yours.

Be a man and own up to it rather than passing on guilt. You'll do her psyche a huge favor.

It's been awhile...

Journaling, or blogging, has been so therapeutic and helpful, however, finding the time to fit it in is daunting. We each have so many things pulling us in so many vast directions that getting to everything becomes an impossibility. Most nights I have fallen, exhausted, into bed and have no desire to open my laptop. However, tonight, although incredibly exhausted I have the bloggers best friend on hand: insomnia. (Yea, me!)

My personal emotional rollercoaster is getting close to being at a minimum. I never expect that it will ever be gone completely. It will be that looming grey cloud waiting to drizzle, or pour, at the first unsuspecting moment. However, the paperwork became final on the 2nd of February and I am officially DIVORCED.

I would be lying if I said I never thought about divorce prior. It fluttered in, now and again, during those times I was crying myself to sleep or laying in shock at how my husband, who took a vow to love, honor, and cherish, could be so hurtful and inconsiderate of my own feelings.

Yet even though I thought about it I always fell back on the old adage, "The grass may be greener, but it's just as hard to mow." Believing if I invested my full time and effort into my relationship things WOULD improve and it would be worth it. However, one gets to the point of maximum allowance, when one can no longer be the only one working on making things healthy. .

Its hard for me to say I was emotionally abused, and yet I was. I have gone to therapy and become stronger for it. It was a Godsend to have someone to bounce ideas off of, to realize I wasn't crazy, that what happened was real and was NOT how a marriage should work.

As I enter the pool of new relationships I find myself guarded and protective. I've been through the wringer more than once, I don't intend to do it again. It wont be easy, at least that's what my therapist says. No relationship is perfect: conflict is inevitable. However, I have learned the warning signs, and can now listen to the red flags. Will I find a relationship that enhances me, rather than stresses me? Will I find a friend to enjoy life with rather than endure life because of?

Only time will tell...