Journaling, or blogging, has been so therapeutic and helpful, however, finding the time to fit it in is daunting. We each have so many things pulling us in so many vast directions that getting to everything becomes an impossibility. Most nights I have fallen, exhausted, into bed and have no desire to open my laptop. However, tonight, although incredibly exhausted I have the bloggers best friend on hand: insomnia. (Yea, me!)
My personal emotional rollercoaster is getting close to being at a minimum. I never expect that it will ever be gone completely. It will be that looming grey cloud waiting to drizzle, or pour, at the first unsuspecting moment. However, the paperwork became final on the 2nd of February and I am officially DIVORCED.
I would be lying if I said I never thought about divorce prior. It fluttered in, now and again, during those times I was crying myself to sleep or laying in shock at how my husband, who took a vow to love, honor, and cherish, could be so hurtful and inconsiderate of my own feelings.
Yet even though I thought about it I always fell back on the old adage, "The grass may be greener, but it's just as hard to mow." Believing if I invested my full time and effort into my relationship things WOULD improve and it would be worth it. However, one gets to the point of maximum allowance, when one can no longer be the only one working on making things healthy. .
Its hard for me to say I was emotionally abused, and yet I was. I have gone to therapy and become stronger for it. It was a Godsend to have someone to bounce ideas off of, to realize I wasn't crazy, that what happened was real and was NOT how a marriage should work.
As I enter the pool of new relationships I find myself guarded and protective. I've been through the wringer more than once, I don't intend to do it again. It wont be easy, at least that's what my therapist says. No relationship is perfect: conflict is inevitable. However, I have learned the warning signs, and can now listen to the red flags. Will I find a relationship that enhances me, rather than stresses me? Will I find a friend to enjoy life with rather than endure life because of?
Only time will tell...
