Last week someone called me baby...it was endearing, sweet, and much welcomed. Another day when the same person called me by my first name I found myself unhappy. I was perplexed. Why would it bother me that they used my first name? It is my name.
And then it hit me, like someone's overwhelming body odor. I was having a flashback.
My husband always called me baby. It was mostly cute and endearing. Although it typically was followed by a proposition of something wanted. Not just to show kindness or devotion. When he used my first name I knew he was unhappy with me and whatever was to come would not be pleasant. As time passed (we were together nearly 20 years) I began to loathe my name because of the conditioning. Name= unwanted discussion, behavior, fight, etc.
It is amazing what our subconscious understands, associates, and acts upon without much thought. Baby signaled a happy person. My name signaled bad news. I knew it and I was on guard to see what verbiage was used.
Things come back in glimpses now. I appreciate it when they do. It reaffirms the unhealthy nature of the relationship I was in.
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